Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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