i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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