We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
