apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
