You made me cry and you don't even care
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
