I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
