i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
