I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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