I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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