I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
