watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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