im about as happy as oj after his trial
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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