You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
