im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
