if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
