the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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