Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
