I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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