I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
