Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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