I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
