Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
