i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
