Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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