She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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