Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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