All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
