so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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