cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm getting married
To pizza
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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