If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
