I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
