i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
