its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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