So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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