69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
