Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
