My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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