What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
