I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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