so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
