Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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