you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The feeling are messing with the penis
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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