how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
