im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
