I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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