Just cropdusted the office
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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