Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
