Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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