Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
