Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
