your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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