my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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