i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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