Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
