OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
