Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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