My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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