sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
