FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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