I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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