Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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